peanut butter and cheese

Some things that make so much sense to us make absolutely no sense to others. Our experiences growing up play a remarkable role in determining the kinds of exposure we have to certain aspects of life. An exciting example (in my opinion), but perhaps not the best elaboration on this idea, is the classic sandwich of my childhood. It may seem an odd pairing at first, but the marriage of extra crunchy peanut butter and American cheese on modest white toast reminds me of my essential youth. As a child, I never thought there was anything particularly weird about my affinity to this pairing. My mother just had a wild imagination when it came to feeding her children I suppose. Even though I'm older now and my culinary tastes have matured beyond those golden days, I still think that peanut butter and cheese sandwiches are the best things ever. Maybe it's more so about the nostalgic flashbacks I get whenever I combine the two ingredients, as opposed to the actual taste that lingers among my taste buds. Either way, it's something that I understand to be a marvelous invention. And it's okay if nobody else gets that.
When you meet someone new much later on in your life, it becomes a great challenge to assess the kind of person they are without having any knowledge of what constitutes their past. Of course I do believe that people shouldn't necessarily be recognized only for their past attributes and behaviors. Nonetheless their pasts do play a vital role in who they are today. Sometimes when I encounter someone that irks me terribly, I try my hardest to give them another chance to compensate for their irrational behavior. But this is solely my subjectivity that determines what is rational or irrational, and to the other character in question their behavior may make total sense to them. This doesn't mean I conclude that all annoying people are not annoying. I'm just saying that there's more to explore in a person beyond a simple gesture or their immediate attitude display.
It's so easy to judge others even when we have absolutely no clue who they are hidden beneath their exterior. People definitely have misconceptions about me as well, based on who they THINK I am from my appearance. It actually amuses me a bit when I hear others tell me what they thought I'd be like and they find out I'm totally not like that at all. I usually don't get angry about being misunderstood because it makes it that much more pleasurable to have someone else GET (the REAL) ME after realizing how mistaken they were initially. So it's really okay for me to be misunderstood at first, as long they can accept me for the peanut butter and cheese sandwich loving girl that I still am.

accidental resolutions

The last time I made new year's resolutions was probably my freshman year in high school. After many failures, I realized how silly it was to make goals for the upcoming year if they were going to be brutally broken anyway. The celebration and recognition remind me very much of Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. Personally I'm not a big fan of reserving just one single day of the year to express gratitude and follow traditional rituals for the sake of the holiday on the calendar. Why not be thankful everyday? Why not send a simple greeting of love to our partners just because? Why not make goals for yourself NOW and actually adhere to the plan?
I stopped making resolutions with the advent of a new year, knowing that I would most likely slip up at some point. Instead of making drastic goals doomed for failure, I've resorted to making gradual modifications everyday I get out of bed. It's very common to hear people talk about this and that they want to change this year, but even this is just all apart of the ritual of celebrating a new year. I'm not suggesting that it's bad to desire improvements in our lives, but it seems like the weight of resolutions has become much more about the idea of making goals as opposed to actually following through with them.
With that said, I must confess that I've also made a list of things I hope to achieve this year. But it was only by coincidence! The last few months of 2009 were tumultuous and chaotic for me. I can admit that I've been a complete mess. The onset of break from school helped me realize the necessary changes I needed to make in order to survive this hoopla. During the past few weeks I have recollected my thoughts into coherent images in my mind. It just so happened that the time of my returning sanity and a new year were to make an unplanned collision. So the changes I wanted AND NEEDED to make became my new year's resolutions by perfect chance. It's way too soon to say whether or not I'll maintain my current line of thought and action. Let's just hope I'm not making a mistake by calling them resolutions.

(insert title here)

There's something so tantalizing about a good title. It's the first thing that grabs your attention to pick up that book on the shelf and flip through some pages. Whenever I was done writing an essay for school or something, I would get heavily excited about adding the final touch that included the perfect title. It can never be too long and wearisome; the better it is when succinct but nonetheless powerful. I don't find that the weight of a great title is in its length or complicated vocabulary. Sometimes it's those one word titles that pique our interest immediately. I personally prefer titles with more than a single word, unless that word alone is enough to carry the voice of the literature in its entirety. I like titles that are mystifying but not so foreign sounding at the same time.
I don't think I'm any good as a writer but I love writing anyway. When I was a little girl, I thought I could write a novel in a few short days. Of course I never got more than a few amateur pages accomplished. And my only motivation to even get that far was the brilliant title I had prepared for an unwritten story. A phrase would become my inspiration to make my work come alive (instead of the other way around). But I was too young then, and my inspiration lasted only as long as my attention span in Mr. Brandenburgh's 4th grade class.
Even now though, I get secret jitters whenever I come across a mesmerizing title of another work or I conjure up my own. Simple things in life (like an excellent title) make me happy.

stand still with me

Most people are surprised to find out that I've never been in a "real" relationship. I've dated, seen, and had interest in plenty of guys, but never have I experienced that striking pull towards anyone enough to keep me captivated in anything more serious. The only benefit from countless failed trials is that I've learned a great deal about myself in trying to find reasons for my incapability to mingle successfully. It seems that most, if not all, of my problems stem from fear. A fear of committing to something that won't be fairly reciprocal. A fear of being fully exposed to vulnerability. A fear of becoming too dependent on another. A fear of giving trust, knowing it could easily be betrayed. A fear of abandonment. Ultimately, a fear of coming to know that magical feeling romantics concoct in their daydreams --love.
I wouldn't call myself a romantic. But in the deepest corner of my heart, I long for such fanciful dreams to become my reality. (This is the silly little girl in me that will always be apart of my composition). Fear is something hard to overcome so I can't proclaim to get over any of it simply like eating pie. But I know I have to be willing to be a little more vulnerable and trusting of others to catch my fall, if I want to give myself any chance of overcoming any illusions I created. All I want is somebody for me, and to be that somebody for that person too.

imperfection

Heroes are respectable. Police officers keep our communities safe. Fire fighters put out fires and retrieve kitties stuck in trees. Doctors save lives. Parents pass on their morals to children. But that's just the good side of things.
What would a hero be without something to be heroic for? In a sense, police officers need crime; burning buildings call for extinguishers; the ill need caring for; children need to misbehave in order to be taught the differences between right and wrong.
Everyone wants to grow up to be something or someone with outwardly good intentions . Truthfully speaking, some of us just want to do something only for us. I'm not saying which is better because the former is not always an honest statement. Someone can claim all they want that they want to become a doctor to perform lifesaving surgeries, but if patients were always healthy (as is the goal of doctors to treat sickness) there would be no job for doctors. This kind of reasoning applies to all those we consider heroic deeds.
We simply CANNOT live in a perfect world where the concept of bad or evil does not exist. In truth, it is the very bad that drives us to be/do good. Don't just complain about all the nonsensical evil in this world and instead, derive goodness from it by exploring the far reaching limits of humanity. Embrace the imperfect world we were born to live in.

Dear Trey Songz,

I know you want the money, money and the cars, cars and the clothes, I suppose... but I can't stop missing you; wish I was there with you. You so fly; I'm so fly; what's more fly than you and I together? You need a girl that could say "Aah." I can be that girl that makes all the neighbors know your name. I can totally believe you invented you-know-what. So I can't help but wait till you see with me it ain't the same.

Signing off (LOL smiley face),
Wonder Woman

apathy

It doesn't sound life threatening, but a lack of concern can be extremely dangerous. I know what changes I need to make in my life to reach that comfortable level of satisfaction and acceptance. It's not that I'm clueless about what I have to do. Rather, it's my inability to grasp any compelling reason for me to make these modifications. Much of the time, I make decisions based on how they'll affect others. In no way am I proclaiming to be a selfless human being, but I do greatly consider how my actions will affect people around me when I make any decision. Right now I am living a life many (especially my closest friends) may not approve of wholeheartedly. But no matter how persistently they urge me to make changes in my life for "my own good," my decisions are ultimately all up to me to make. And I have to decide to do things differently for my own sake. I have to be completely selfish for a moment and think only about my desire to change certain things that may act as self-deprecating in my life. Without a doubt I have to find reasons to make changes to myself for me.

I'm on a search to discover these reasons.