scared-y cat

Truth is, I have an unbelievably low level of courage when confronted by most things. Even things that make me happy often terrify me at the same time. It doesn't make much sense outside my head, but this is an indisputable quality about me I usually don't like to share with others. Lets just say I'm SCARED that someone will take advantage of my inability to be as tough as I like to think I am. (Because I am pretty tough still!)

My cowardliness stems from lots of fears --some I know are ridiculous, but they still overcome me with great terror. This is actually a rather hard thing to admit, (especially to myself) but I'm recognizing how much it diminishes potential joy in my life. When I get scared of something, I just run. I never look back or even think twice about taking on whatever it is that is causing me to tremble in place. The relief I experience after distancing myself from my troubles is perhaps, only a mere illusion of safety that is actually short-lived as well. What I'm running from doesn't vanish and it is in no way impaired from chasing after me again. I tend to run from a lot of things, so I've noticed. It gets tiring though.

This illusion of safety is losing its persuasive grip on me. More and more I can acknowledge how often I run from petty things I could have surely dealt with if only I had a bit more courage. Some of these things are good in nature, but the fact that something so naturally good is happening to me frightens me. It scares me because I'm afraid it will be revealed to be a mere figment of my imagination or a dream I will soon awaken from. This worry drives me to keep my distance from situations that evoke sensations I would hope last forever. But like I said, I'm getting tired from all this nonsensical exercise I get from running away. Not that my pathetic level of courage has gone up for some reason, but I hope to gather more of it (from whatever source) and put it to some good use.

I think I will start by facing my fear of butterflies. DON'T LAUGH. Those creatures look friendly from far away, but up close they're not so pretty. I swear. After this conquering, I think I will be able to face anything... even things that seem too good to be existent in my life. For example, if a friend tells me I'm a good friend to them too, I won't doubt it. I'll be accepting of their words and not let worry take over what should make me feel incredible. But first, gotta deal with the butterflies...

Wish me luck.